So here's what happened last night. I've never liked family/ relative dinners/ gatherings/ whatnot. Fine if I know them. Not fine if I don't really know their names/ type of relative (the 'perks' of being a Chinese)/ what to call them/ list goes on.
Even more not fine is that they all seem to know each other pretty well and I'm the only one who doesn't know them. I probably only recognize two of my 'cousins'. No wait. They aren't my 'cousins'. I'm supposed to call them aunts even though both gals are around my age. (Yepp, confusing Chinese relative titles) And the others look sort of familiar but I've no idea which side they are on. And they are all happily chit-chatting together like they live in the same house or go to the same class in school forever (although yea, they're all of different ages and are from different moms. Zzz) Wait. Are they called aunts or far-distance cousins??
And this is sort of subjective but I feel weird and ugly and underdressed and underachieved (most of them pull really good grades/ are super helpful around the house/ blah blah blah, according to my mom, anyway). Brownie points for just putting on some old T-shirt and random skirt. Even more brownie points for pulling all my hair up and revealing a nasty clot on my forehead (which fell off today, good timing). Apparently, good looking genes run in the Lim family (which is my maternal grandmother's side). Even the old ladies look radiant.
There is absolutely nothing to do. Talk? No, they are already in their own cliques/ groups/ whatever and what am I supposed to do? Barge in? I have no idea what to say to them. My brain's blank. And once in a while, I think they looked my way. (Oh gosh, stop looking at my forehead.) They're probably wondering too, who the heck am I. The tv's really loud. I managed to turn down the volume once but then some people came in (more unknown relatives) and they turned it on louder again. I can't concentrate on the book I brought. How can I? I can't listen clearly to my earphones. Everyone seems to be having fun. The old ones are outside, the younger ones inside the house. Just me and my siblings sitting at the edge of the couch waiting for the time to go home.
One of the things that made the night better was when some aunt came in to promote bags she's selling. That was an adequate distraction. Time seems to fly by faster when you're choosing stuff and thinking whether you should sell them for the moral assignment's fundraiser. Plus, the bags are really, really cute. And then yay, done choosing. Time to go home. Woots.
Thank heavens it's all over now. Next year I really should stay at home. I don't belong there. I just don't. You guys don't care if I'm there anyway. So why the hell should I?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Maybe it's college, maybe it's because I have finally neared my point of equilibrium, but things do seem to look a little more perky than usual. I guess this is what happens when you start afresh, optimism kicks in and despite all the daunting challenges, you decide to just go with the flow and face them straight.
Yes, there's loads of homework and the questions are not straightforward anymore. I sleep less and I go home later than back in the old days. I don't really like walking on the streets because the smoke and dust makes me uncomfortable (recent new thing). I'm still getting to know the people around college. But all's well. This is not secondary school anymore. Finally that part is over. No I never really liked it. Some of the people are great, and I don't regret meeting them (and that's the only part related to SMKK I miss) but otherwise, there was an emptiness there, constantly eating on me. Somehow, starting college has erased that.
I'm trying, I'm trying. After a bunch of different types of intimidation, I learnt not to weep at corners.